Everything that has happened and every moment of joy that I’ve experienced seem like a dream to me. What I was before and what I am now, I couldn’t differentiate myself. My life has changed, I have changed and now when I look back, I just find myself happy. What is Love?? I never knew what it was and when I came to realize what it is; I had already fallen in love. At that very moment, I’ve experienced immense joy and happiness because the feeling was so different. The way I felt, it’s just so different.
I have by then realized that love was necessary in order to lead a happy life. To me, love was everything and besides which nothing seemed so important. Nothing was so important than to spend a little time with the one so dear. The urge to see the beloved got more and the more I got attracted to him, the more joy and happiness I experienced.
This continued for four years and by then we were far apart from each other. Life for me never changed, no matter how far we were, we still shared the same feelings. But things don’t always go the way we expect it to. Loving someone and to be loved by someone are the two different things and that’s what happened. I was too blind that I couldn’t see that my love has just turned one sided. I never had the slightest idea that the person I loved would hurt me.
No calls, no messages, this went on for a while. I wondered what was the problem and this made me anxious. This insecurity grew more and slowly this started hurting me. To be hurt by the one you love is much more painful than anything else in this world. And I went through all these, without complain.
I wanted things to be clear; I wanted to know where I stand in his heart. But he was too stubborn to speak out the truth. I was always convinced of how true his feelings were and how much he cared about me but is he right? Does he mean what he said? I never knew!!! I didn’t want a relation that has no future, I couldn’t bear his ignorance. I sensed it was time we come to a decision and that was more painful than I ever imagined. Ending everything was all I could do and because I loved this person very much, I decided to let go of him. I decided on giving him the privacy that he wanted. May be being committed wasn’t really his forte, may be I wasn’t just the right person for him. These things kept bothering me but I convinced myself, I kept myself strong thinking it was for the betterment of both of us.
I knew I was hurting deep inside. The wound that this person left inside my heart couldn’t be cured. I still tried living hard, tried to be happy, and tried to forget everything, but this wasn’t just so easy. I died many deaths and with every death I vowed to be born anew, but no matter how many births I may take, the scar inside my heart still remains. With this pace, I cannot live happily; with this scar never to be healed, I cannot love anyone.
Many things happened in my life, and this was the turning point I guess! Even then, at this very moment, I don’t regret anything because it has been the best part of my life. What ever it may be I cherish those memories because those were the moments that gave me the reason to be happy. To be honest, I haven’t yet been able to forget this person and I never want to until my heart is willing to. I still miss him, I still miss those days, and I still have this little faith that we may someday meet again. Today I may not be as happy as I was before, I may never be able to love anyone but I do am happy because I have all those memories with me, just enough to make me happy.
In the nutshell, is this a betrayal? If so then why don’t I forget this person that betrayed me and if not what is it? I presume it’s a sweet betrayal……..