Sunday, March 23, 2014

On the verge of learning

I am in my mid 20’s now. That reminds me I no longer am a small kid or a pampered teenager.  It was like just yesterday I was a spoiled brat running and fooling around and today I stand here acting all smart and matured.
I have a lot to learn from this new life I’ve just started. I have miles to go thinking of which makes me all anxious. I still find myself as the same old person I was back then during my college days but I guess that’s obvious as it’s been just 9 months or so since I graduated. I still do have that rashness in me I’m trying to get rid of.
 I was a real menace back in my school days with so much of attitude and arrogance that pissed everyone who disliked me. Eventually with time, I underwent major transformation. I became silent and calm and I don’t even remember what evoked me. Today I am still the same; I still have that meekness in me.
The scenario is a little different now. With new environment and new people, I try hard keeping my decency and being pro active. I’ve made several attempts in overcoming my flaws and portray my talents and potentials in the best manner. With the pace I’m moving with my career, I kind of like this professional life here. I get to communicate with people that does boost in a lot of confidence in me.
Being an introvert, I faced many challenges. While it was as easy for me to sit on my desk and start my day with some paper works, it was as difficult to interact with clients and clarify their doubts. Sometimes that would just make me wonder where all of my guts and audacity went. This wasn’t really me.
Time teaches us everything. Soon enough I realized this wasn’t my true potential which did help me overcome everything that came as a barrier between me and my dreams. I learned to take up challenges boldly and I no longer fear facing people for I realized our greatest strengths lie in our biggest fear. Hence, this fear of mine, at the end came as strength to me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Wishing on a star

I am so fantasized by the believe people have on shooting stars. Ever since I’ve heard about dreams coming true upon seeing a shooting star, I’ve always been searching for one to make my wish. Seeing how I’ve put on a blind faith in such stuffs makes me look stupid sometimes but I really do want to believe it and try it. Since then, every night I sneak out of my bed, searching for the falling star. But every attempt just failed pushing my dreams a little farther away from me.

This obsession has been haunting me in my dreams lately. I struggle hard looking for it and then get disappointed on not seeing any. I don’t even know whether it’s really true and despite failing several times I still stay put with my determination to find it someday. So I’ve actually never given up on my endeavors.

Even today, every night I look out of my balcony hoping for a little luck but I haven’t yet succeeded in this. My desires keep getting accumulated, but there’s not a single falling star I’ve encountered so far. Sometimes I just feel there isn’t anything as such called a ‘wish fulfilling star’, but somehow I’m not able to give up. I’m somehow forced to hold onto it a little more.

Last night I saw myself so happy in my dream, I couldn’t clearly remember why. But as I write this I remember this is it. Nothing can make me happier than getting to see what I’ve always wanted to. A Falling Star! I rejoiced as I saw it until the very time reality took its toll and dragged me back from my fantasy. It saddened me no less for it was just a dream.

I know I sound a little insane. But I also know that someday my dream will come true. Someday I will definitely encounter this thing that’s been raising hopes in me, of dreaming and believing in it. I’m optimistic about this and I know my luck will favor me one fine day.

I don’t care if my dreams come true, I just hope of getting to witness this falling star I’ve been so desperately waiting for. I don’t know what luck it may bring to me, I don’t know how my life will change then, but I know for sure that this is going to bring in immense happiness in me for happiness is just what we strive for more than anything else.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Seeking Happiness Within

Life puts us in countless situations; some are easy some are tough. Challenges come our way, when it does we usually doesn’t accept it so well, not until we are really serious about life. We live with an aim, the dream to see success and prosperity our entire life.

When we live, we live with dissatisfaction. Frustration over take our emotions and compel us to act in ways that lead to self desolation and misery. Not being able to accomplish one’s desires, not meeting one’s goals and objectives, not being satisfied with one’s achievements, brings in a lot of unhappiness and chaos in our life. There are many reasons to blame life, of not being fair and equal. Our complaints never end; we are never happy and satisfied. Well this is life, the ultimate rule of life.
But why do we need to achieve so many when we know that nothing in this world is permanent. Everything will turn into ashes someday; we are eventually going to die one day or the other. Why this discontentment and unhappiness?

A long time ago, when the world was not developed, everyone was happy with whatever they had. There were no cravings, greed and inequality amongst people. Those were the time when people were happy the most and had there been GNH concept in place, 100% would have achieved. There was no special reason for people to be happy and satisfied, they just knew they didn’t want anything beyond what is there for them, just enough for survival and a happy life.

With the development and advancement of the world, people have become greedy and selfish. Not caring for anyone and running after fulfillment of one’s own desires and wants have made people unhappy. Today no one is so happy with their life, not the richest person in the world is happy with the wealth he has. Does that not question the theory of development? Does it not mean that development is also an element of greed and selfishness? Of course individual perceptions differ and people may not see it to the angle I am seeing it. But nobody will deny that this world has become selfish and that people are no longer happy as they used to be some centuries ago.
So long as we seek happiness in the material wealth, we can never be happy. One can only find true happiness and joy from the very little act of generosity and love. Try it!

An Expression

I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with this marriage thing. Marriage! Marriage! Marriage!!! I don’t want to marry, at least not now. Why does everyone see me as a marriage material when it’s just the beginning of my career?

There are a lot of things to be done apart from thinking about marriage and when I have just taken a few steps towards leading a life of my own, I don’t want anything to distract me. There are lots to learn, more to experience and much to be done. All of these aren’t easy.
 To be living away from my parents, managing things all by me and learning to be extra cautious are the challenges that I am undertaking right now. I know this perturb my parents which is why everyone wants me to marry and settle down, if at all I cannot live alone.

I understand their concern. Not being able to live alone is a weakness of mine but I cannot let this flaw ruin my life. Marrying early and dedicating my life to some person I may not even know well doesn’t seem logical and I cannot be an innocent fool backed by some stupid emotions. I want to live and live independently.

There’s a stigma attached to women who are unmarried especially in rural villages. Once a woman attains certain age, it becomes the obligation of the parents to get them married. But I do not want to be one of them and of course my parents don’t compel me to do anything against my will.
There are a lot of people around who are still single and that doesn’t mean they don’t find a suitable partner for themselves. It only means that they are ambitious and do not want to rush into being someone who would have to make so many commitments, of leading a married life. But my utterance do not mean to disparage those who are married or the term marriage itself, rather it’s just a small expression.

Of course I have to marry someday, but the difference is just that this ‘someday’ cannot be ‘Today’. I respect relations and in fact I do dream of having a happy married life but for now I am happy and trying my best to become independent, to live independently and manage things independently.

The V Day

Another boring and lonely V day is here. When all the people rejoice and celebrate with their loved ones, it’s yet another dry day for all the lonely hearts that’s either single or whose loved ones aren’t near.

This is the sad story of me too. A little bit of sadness and a little bit of loneliness crept in. there are lots of things running through my mind, so much I’d ever wanted to do but like every year, this valentine has nothing in store for me. It is going to be another sad and lonely day for me as well.
The weather’s gloomy and cold today, some call it a romantic day and some just complain of the cold. For me it isn’t any of it rather than just another boring day. I browse through the internet, sign in to my face book account. That’s how my day ends (face booking), going through the notifications, playing games, chatting, etc.

It’s a valentine’s day today, and as usual, there are many valentine wishes and dedications made to the loved ones, I somehow became envious. Lovers making confession of their love and feelings sounded sweet and romantic. I smiled as I read it all, made me miss the kind of feeling, wondering how happy one must feel when someone dedicates their life to them.

Every year I get excited on February 14th, knowing there’s nothing in for me, I still find the day special, after all it is love day and somewhere deep inside of us we have that special person we are in love with. I’ve always wanted my valentine day to be special, I’ve always wished someone could just make me feel special and love me unconditionally, but wishes and dreams just remain as it is. I guess I don’t have that kind of a fate to experience the happiness and love.

Though I love someone unconditionally and truly, yet distance has come as a barrier. We are so far apart, we hardly get to talk to each other and share our feelings together. This makes me sad sometimes. They say distance shouldn’t matter if two hearts are true to each other, but I don’t really agree to this statement. Our feelings and hearts may be true and faithful, but distance can shatter everything off. No matter how hard we try, we can never win against the roads of distance.

This Valentine’s Day’s brought in loneliness and sadness. While everyone else rejoiced and celebrated with their loved ones, I stayed back home, missing my love. Sometimes I just hate this feeling. Having to envy others and getting upset over small things, I find myself stupid. Yet I never lose faith in it. I rise and smile, because I know my time is yet to come, if not this time then maybe next time, but someday it sure will.

Each year, on the so called V Day, I pray my next Valentine’s Day to be a special one. I pray my love to be right next to me. I just pray I don’t have to feel this lonely and sad. This year is gone now, another lonely time has passed.
A sad, but positive goodbye to this Valentine’s Day 2014!!!!!

The Sweet Betrayal

Everything that has happened and every moment of joy that I’ve experienced seem like a dream to me. What I was before and what I am now, I couldn’t differentiate myself. My life has changed, I have changed and now when I look back, I just find myself happy. What is Love?? I never knew what it was and when I came to realize what it is; I had already fallen in love. At that very moment, I’ve experienced immense joy and happiness because the feeling was so different. The way I felt, it’s just so different.

I have by then realized that love was necessary in order to lead a happy life. To me, love was everything and besides which nothing seemed so important. Nothing was so important than to spend a little time with the one so dear. The urge to see the beloved got more and the more I got attracted to him, the more joy and happiness I experienced.

This continued for four years and by then we were far apart from each other. Life for me never changed, no matter how far we were, we still shared the same feelings. But things don’t always go the way we expect it to. Loving someone and to be loved by someone are the two different things and that’s what happened. I was too blind that I couldn’t see that my love has just turned one sided. I never had the slightest idea that the person I loved would hurt me.

No calls, no messages, this went on for a while. I wondered what was the problem and this made me anxious. This insecurity grew more and slowly this started hurting me. To be hurt by the one you love is much more painful than anything else in this world. And I went through all these, without complain.

I wanted things to be clear; I wanted to know where I stand in his heart. But he was too stubborn to speak out the truth. I was always convinced of how true his feelings were and how much he cared about me but is he right? Does he mean what he said? I never knew!!! I didn’t want a relation that has no future, I couldn’t bear his ignorance. I sensed it was time we come to a decision and that was more painful than I ever imagined. Ending everything was all I could do and because I loved this person very much, I decided to let go of him. I decided on giving him the privacy that he wanted. May be being committed wasn’t really his forte, may be I wasn’t just the right person for him. These things kept bothering me but I convinced myself, I kept myself strong thinking it was for the betterment of both of us.

I knew I was hurting deep inside. The wound that this person left inside my heart couldn’t be cured. I still tried living hard, tried to be happy, and tried to forget everything, but this wasn’t just so easy. I died many deaths and with every death I vowed to be born anew, but no matter how many births I may take, the scar inside my heart still remains. With this pace, I cannot live happily; with this scar never to be healed, I cannot love anyone.

Many things happened in my life, and this was the turning point I guess! Even then, at this very moment, I don’t regret anything because it has been the best part of my life. What ever it may be I cherish those memories because those were the moments that gave me the reason to be happy. To be honest, I haven’t yet been able to forget this person and I never want to until my heart is willing to. I still miss him, I still miss those days, and I still have this little faith that we may someday meet again. Today I may not be as happy as I was before, I may never be able to love anyone but I do am happy because I have all those memories with me, just enough to make me happy.

In the nutshell, is this a betrayal? If so then why don’t I forget this person that betrayed me and if not what is it? I presume it’s a sweet betrayal……..

Yes! I am happy

If asked whether I was ever happy, I would say yes I am. I am happy with my life and why wouldn’t I? With parents so loving and caring and with friends as the best companion, I am very happy with my life. I have the most hard working and loving mother, who look after everyone in the house, who faces a lot of hurdles and who in fact is the chairperson of the family. I have the most intelligent and diligent father, who works hard and earns for the family and who understands me the best. I have the best sisters who care for me, who always understand my needs and solves my problems. I have this very wonderful brother-in-law who always encourages me to learn more and identify my true potentials, who is scary (literally) at first glance (meaning man with few words), but very dynamic in nature, no wonder my sister’s so happy with her life today. And I have this very cute little niece who always leaves me with amusement, who startles me with her innocent and in fact amazing questions and who always makes me laugh with her funny dance moves and songs.

With all these, I am happy, I am happy to have such wonderful and caring family. In life, I’ve always been praised of my wit (compared to my sisters) which makes my dad so proud and my mom so glad. For each and every step I was guided well by my parents, sisters and in-law, for which I really am very grateful. So how can one not be happy when you have so many people, loving and caring for you?

I am happy, I am happy with what I have and with what I am now.

However, when it comes to being away from my parents, I am a lonely person. As such I am a loner, who loves being left alone. This was the habit adopted after what happened to me (a great turning point of my life). After which I needed nothing but to simply remain by myself. That doesn’t mean I am a weirdo without any friends. I do have friends but I can hardly mingle with them. Me remaining alone most of the time was sympathetic for people around me, but I never bothered. What’s important to me wasn’t what people think about me, but how I was living and what made me happy. I just seek happiness in me.

No matter what I am and how I am now, I still am me and whenever I need to be happy I just close my eyes, visualize everyone at home and wear a big smile and this is just enough!! Sorrow and hurdles are a part of our life and we are meant to accept this with great courage. That’s how life’s meant to be, that’s how we’re suppose to face the reality and that’s how we are supposed to be our selves at good and bad times. Only then life will be worth living. Therefore think positive, be optimistic and enjoy the beauty of life. Like I said, “I Am Happy” and so should everyone.

Syndrome of writing good

I don’t precisely remember why I started writing at the first place. Writing and reading books weren’t my passion; in fact I never participated in such events. I don’t remember when was the last time I read or wrote something. I have not considered myself an awful writer even if I have not read much books. That is because the highest mark I scored was in English subject which had surprised my closest friends then. Maybe that’s the gift that I inherited from my dad, I had thought. But now, realizing to become a good writer without reading surprises me a lot.

The first time I read something was when I was in my high school. It was a reading week in the school and the management made it mandatory for all the students to actively involve in the event. It required us to select a book, any book and maintain a journal of it. Without much of interest, I recklessly picked a book and started reading. The book talked all about vampires and blood suckers, which made my journey enjoyable and at times frightening. I continued maintaining my journal, kept it updated every time I covered a chapter and finally after a week I could complete it.

It came by as a big surprise when I was announced third in the reading week journal competition. I was honored to receive the prize from our education minister Lyenpo Thakur S Powdyel. It was my first ever writing award and I was so happy and indeed proud of myself.

I visited library once in the blue moon, and just randomly go through some of the books. I knew reading could mould me into being a good writer and help me come up with new ideas and knowledge, but I never took the time to do so.
To be honest, I didn’t like reading books, I hardly read any. Seeing my friends reading novels, spending time in library was so irritating and annoying. I never realized its importance; I was just so egoistic and didn’t want to rely on other’s ideas or ways of writing. But I was so wrong about it.

Soon I came to realize that my writings were just becoming monotonous and way too simple. It had no added ingredients to attract readers and this made me wonder, what if I read books that are inspiring and life enriching – would I be then a better writer? Can it really change the way I perceive things and the way I look into it? Will I then be able to gain readers’ attention? These thoughts kept haunting me.

When I see people so good in writing and expressing their thoughts, I envy them. It kind of inspires me a lot, to be like them, to write like them. The first time I started writing in WAB was when I was struggling and battling with so many thoughts wandering in my mind that I had to speak my heart out. I wanted to express my feelings, I wanted to write, and that’s when I joined WAB. That’s when I was introduced to this very association.

I feel being a member of WAB is my greatest achievement. It is the platform that gives me courage and inspiration to identify my true potential. Someone once said that “In order to improve your writing skills, it is must that you inculcate in yourself the habit of reading. No matter what it is, even if it’s about reading a line or two, just read”. Those words always struck my mind whenever I think of writing something. It really does help and makes differences.

You know what is the most difficult thing for me when I think of writing something? ‘The Topic!” I’m always stuck by the thought as to what to write about. The moment I am done with a suitable title, and then I just can’t stop myself from moving my pen. It just continues, the flow never seem to be ending.

I was so much obsessed by the thought of what to write next. I couldn’t come up with anything interesting to write and this just drove me crazy. It’s been long since I wrote in WAB and I felt insecure, like something was missing, I wanted to write and just write.

Writing has now become my passion, though today I am not as good a writer like others but someday I can. Even today when I hear about creative writing or writing competitions, I just go gaga over it. I intend to learn more and write more and the workshop I am attending on creative writing has in fact came as a blessing in disguise, where I am taught on the various aspects of a good writer and how to go about with a good piece of writing. So hopefully I can be able to utilize this well, and be able to apply whatever I learned in order to become a good writer.

Thanks to many who have inspired provided me with such a platform, today I am able to express my thoughts and begin my journey towards becoming a better writer.