Finding my old self

 Life isn’t a bed of roses after all. Although I had known this for a very long time, deep inside I had expected my share of happiness. All of my fantasies, all of my dreams and all the plans I had of a beautiful future with people precious to me shattered when I realized life isn’t always about happy and cheerful times. Relationships are very delicate, I realized. There are ups and downs, mostly downs I presume.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to living my life carefree. I miss those days when I did not have to care about who loved me or missed me. I did not have to worry about being possessive of someone else or fight over small things. Those late-night calls and messages, I wish I did not have to wait for. Life back then was memorable; a very peaceful and fun filled life.

Now when I look at myself, I feel I have lost a part of me that defined me so well. I have ceased to become an independent and bold lady that I was a few years back. I cannot drive a car confidently, I cannot drink (for a bit of enjoyment), I have gained weight and most importantly, I have become one boring lady who knows nothing about life and fun. I cannot blame anyone for this. I chose this for myself.

When I was single, I would envy married couples. I would always wonder what would it be like to be in love and spend the rest of your life with that one person you love. Spending time together, watching movies, going on a trip and a romantic dinner date, every thought of it would excite me. Well, I had fantasized a lot taking inspiration from movies. But! Life isn’t a movie and there isn’t always a happy moment.

I belief that for every relation to succeed and last, one need to learn to compromise and make sacrifices. I say this through my personal experience and trust me it isn’t at all an easy journey. I set out to venture this journey with lots of hope and excitement inside me, but gradually I realized it isn’t an easy one. If you let your ego and stubbornness take its toll, “BOOM” your relationship just ends there and maybe you might have made the right choice, but sometimes ending everything without a second thought and not a single effort from your end to make things right can be a very heavy burden to the heart for the rest of your life.

For now, I am going with the flow. I am accepting everything that is coming my way. Life is hard, but I cannot be selfish to be thinking only about my happiness. When you marry, you don’t just marry a person, you marry everything that is a part of his/her life. You got to respect everything and everyone. You got to accept it.

Amidst everything, I am trying to revive myself. I am trying to bring back that energetic and fun-loving lady I was in the past but not compromising my responsibilities as a daughter, as a wife and as a daughter-in-law. And the very first step I made is by writing this in my blog after ages.