Mysterious Quest

Memories are fading away. The more I try to understand people, more is my identity fading away.

My existence as a complete human being is becoming vague day by day. I’ve started forgetting things and the very reason of my existence. I’ve become careless, insensible and forgetful. Everything around me, the air I breathe, the place I work, people I call friends, everything seem so new. 

My head spins, not because I am starving or sick, but just simply, the reason unknown. I feel giddy.

People come and go, laugh, talk and even share secrets. I remain numb, lost in a world so different. I feel my heart race fast; I feel the blood flow through my veins, the warmth. Nothing exists in this world of mine. There’s just me, nobody to love or hate, nobody that can harm or hurt me. 

Emotions are disappearing. I don’t feel happy or sad or pained. There’s nothing that please me, nothing that makes me want to lead a normal life. There can never be anything which could bring me back from this solitude.

I feel surrounded by aliens. Nobody I can talk to, nobody to hear me out.

Is it me or is it the people around? Is it just my lame thought or the universal rule of life? Everything is so enigmatic, so rare and so dense for anyone to ever unravel.

Nothing ever matters or bothers me. There’s a world so different and so unique from this. There’s a world that takes in people like me, people neither sane nor unsound. There’s this place I’d want to live, so far and so out of the world. 

I am different? No I am not! 

I am a wanderer in quest of the so-called happiness, or should I say “Life” everyone is seeking for. I am just an ordinary being, too ordinary for people to even remember. 

My memories are fading away, good, bad or the worse. I feel dizzy, numb and so inhuman like. I am losing my identity and everything that defines me (my existence). There’s nothing I can do to recover what is lost, and there is perhaps nothing I can do to save what is left of me, some memories worth saving for.

Is it the doom of my being or yet another beginning? My head hurts to even think of anything else, to unfold this mysterious quest of life.

Of Dejection and Hatred

“I am longing for a good break from all the stress and work!!!”

 Sometimes loaded with a lot of emotions and hassles of life, I find myself suffering from anxiety. I don’t like going to my workplace, I can’t concentrate on anything, and I feel drowsy and low.

I have lost my zeal and enthusiasm to work. I find myself drowning into a deep feeling of dejection. Though surrounded by a lot of people, so-called friends, relatives, and colleagues I find myself lost in a world where there is nothing but a never ending misery. 

Negative vibes out ran all the positivity inside me. I’ve started getting mad on everything little things, I’ve started complaining a lot and of all I’ve started wanting to run away far from the reach of everything. 

I’m afraid I may run into depression. I am just so sick of everything. All I need is a little break. I want to go somewhere far, take a nap, where I can find the peace and happiness I deserve. 

Isn’t there anyone to understand my plight? Isn’t there anyone to help me find my share of happiness? Isn’t there a place where I can find peace?

My dear beloved people, I don’t get mad for nothing. I just have so many things stuffed inside of me. So many words unspoken; silences and agony rooted within. At times I wonder if I can ever fight these emotions. Will I lose or will I win? Sometimes I just don’t find the stamina to fight anything. I’ve just turned lethargic, like a mere walking dead. I am tired! I am tired of my daily boring life and it’s suffocating me. 

I am sleep deprived lately. No wonder I go drowsy and tired the whole day. My love for social networking is long gone; I have many a times wanted to deactivate all my accounts and cut all my connections. I have many a times wanted to lock myself in a room and shout my heart out. Am I deprived of a free and good life? Am I deprived of an independent life or am I just hallucinating everything? 

I just wish I could leave everything and run away afar. If granted a wish, I would wish for a little time to find myself and my priorities. I would want to fight this negative emotion that’s ruining my life. 

Everything is drifting apart and I am carried away by the thought of how my life is going to be hence. Will I conquer? Or will I remain forever with this feeling of dejection?

How do I find my mental peace and go back to being my old self? All of these are but an enigma, a mystery I’m trying to unlock.

Buddhism and Attitude

“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly” - Henri Bergson      

         

Is there really heaven and hell? If so why do we not fear of it and commit mistakes that not only hurt ourselves but also the people around us? 

God gave us this precious life, not for us to bad mouth others, hurt people and boast of one’s wealth. We people often forget that once born, we are bound to die and that no matter how wealthy we are or how great we are; our graves are going to be the same. 

People practice Buddhism, claim of being a true Buddhist, but have we really served our purpose of being a Buddhist? The more we get influenced by the material life, the more we are distracted off of our religion and become the person we are not meant to be. 

Today people all around the world are affected by greed, ego, selfishness and hatred. Everyone is busy looking down on each other and creating an unhealthy environment.  Is this what Buddhism is all about? Are we now a Buddhist when our action actually doesn’t seem so? 

It’s a shame that in the name of god, people have started robbing innocent beings and slaughtering animals. People have started committing end number of crimes of which there is perhaps no forgiveness. 

The world has become cruel. A place where people once lived without fear has now become an area of ‘NO’ trespassing. There is fear everywhere and people have actually lost their rights of freedom and speech. If this is what makes us Buddhist, then I’m afraid we are not even close to being Buddhists.

People visit sacred and religious sites, chant prayers, make offerings and go on retreat. These are the usual practices that recognize one as being a Buddhist. Is that all enough? How do we know if a person is sincere and not being pretentious? We are often deceived by what it right in front of us, whether it’s a gesture of fakeness or being true. 

Isn’t it just enough to remain humble and true to yourself? We do not need to join monk/nunnery to prove that we are a Buddhist or commit sins to prove we are not. Irrespective of what religion we follow, which cast we belong to or how we look, we are after all ‘Human beings’. We have a heart, we can feel and react to sensory and emotions and of all we have that tendency to change the world and make it a place worth more beautiful and peaceful. 

Throw away the negativity. Greed, ego and hatred have never benefited anyone. We can bring in the change that we need, it is just a matter of attitude and this world can be a better, in fact far more better place to live in and breathe peacefully.

Happy Birthday to Me

26^th October, the most memorable day of my life is here. I can never forget this day when I was brought to this world, welcomed by the smiles of my apa and tears (of joy) of my ama. This is the day of celebration and fun and I always make sure to remain happy the entire day and enjoy for this day is the most precious gift god could ever give me.

 

Every year October has been so promising and good to me. Of all the months I get excited on this particular month, not because my birthday falls on this month but because there are so many people (close) who have birthdays in the same month, the excitement of which is enormous.

Birthdays always delight me. Remembering the birth dates of people so close has come as a forte to me and I don’t like missing the very chance of wishing them for I believe this is one arena where I can give people the little happiness they deserve. 

My birthday this year has been an awesome one. Like every year I was showered with lots of greetings, wishes and blessings. Though away from my beloved parents, I was bestowed with their blessings and love, and this definitely made my day. 

As much as I get excited on my birthday, there is as well a little sadness. I have turned a year older today, which doesn’t please me and I assume I’ve become a little more matured and wise with it. But I wouldn’t want to miss the chance of thanking my parents and god for giving me this precious life and smile back. I thank god not just for giving me this life but for giving me such loving and caring parents, not just anyone but them!

I thank all of my well wishers and my best friend for making the day memorable, exciting and all the more fun. I wish and pray for such birthdays for many more years to come and god bless me with everything.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Letter to God

Dear God

Thank you!! Today as I opened my eyes, I was happy to see myself blessed with this beautiful life for another day. I am thankful to you for giving me this precious and in fact a beautiful life. I cannot express how fortunate I am to have been born to this beautiful land, where Buddhism flourishes blessing every single being.

I know I have not been able to live up to your expectations and always made you sad. I know I have annoyed you and made you regret on your decision to spare me another day a several times. I have let you down and most often I forget to chant my prayers and remember you. I am utterly sorry for all these.

I am still like a child. I make mistakes and often fail to distinguish good and bad. I sometimes nag my parents too much and irritate them; I pick fight with my younger sisters and brag about being my daddy’s’ favorite. I get jealous when my friends make new companion and spend more time with them. I beg my pardon for all these little mischief. 

Dear god, you have always been around, looking after me and listening to all of my prayers. You helped me when I had no one to lean on and helped me overcome my fears. You gave me everything and I cannot imagine what would become of me without you. 

They say god helps those who help themselves, but as for me I have always found you so considerate and benevolent. You have showered me with your love, blessings and compassion in every moment of my life and this has made my life worth living and in fact living happily. Of course there are times when I have complained and often cursed this life of some of the miseries it brought in, but I sincerely don’t mean anything I’ve said or done to hurt you dear god.

I know I am lazy enough to go visit you, especially during auspicious days, but that doesn’t mean I don’t worship you or remember you. You are always in my heart. Thank you dear god, for bearing with me and my stubbornness and I’m sorry for my forgetful mind that often makes me skip my prayers, for not visiting you often and making offerings. I know this hurt, but I assure you that you’re always loved and worshiped. You are always remembered and forever respected.

Sincerely

Yours,

Gayleg Dema