Of silence and secrets

She cared enough,

But there’s no point.

Her efforts wasn’t worthy enough,

And all it did was break her.

Her silence had a lot hidden,

It went unnoticed, and in vain.

She wore smiles,

Broad and heavy smiles.

She had secrets,

Weighing heavy on her heart.

But no! she wouldn’t complain,

She wouldn’t utter a word.

She had fears nobody knew of,

Nightmares that haunt her down.

She still wore smiles.

Stuck up in the labyrinth,

But still smiling hard.

No one knew,

No one dug deep into her.

She was right there,

Amidst the crowd, seeking for some light.

But on one noticed,

Her feelings hidden within the smile,

No one saw, what she needed them to see.

Me within her

Amidst the busy streets, she stood straight, wondering on a lot of things, unaware of the crowd and the chaos of the street.

Her life’s always been the same, revolving around her own fantasies and a very few good friends. She loved taking time off for herself when she wasn’t around her friends, that was probably the best she could do, reflecting on herself and being in her true form.

It is often so difficult to understand if you are ever happy, living a monotonous life, all by yourself. But she is in her best when she is just ‘Her’. I don’t call her unique, or find her weird in any way. She’s just taking her life smoothly in her very own way.

Oh! But that doesn’t mean she is a complete geek, or an old-fashioned country girl. She is fun loving, and an amazing lady when she’s out with her ‘very-few-good-friends’. She is so full of herself, so ordinary yet so amazingly unique.

She would not mind if she looked pretty or messy or even ugly. She did not, at all feel anything around her so long as she knew her worth and keeping herself away from all that made her feel miserable, made her stronger by the day.

She’d shed tears sometimes. She’d shed tears not because she’s disappointed or sad or hurt. She’d shed tears realizing how incredibly wonderful she can be and despite the worst of her situation she’d still not give up and stand strong. Her vibes are so strong, too strong for anyone, just anyone to shake her or even break her into pieces.

I seek inspiration from ‘Her’. She keeps moving forward, irrespective of how things keep changing and she still wouldn’t stumble, a bit. Her hopes are always on the rise and no matter how people take her to be, she wouldn’t complain a word. The term ‘Loner’ doesn’t precisely apply here, but more than that she just enjoys her lone company more.

Life is an enigma. It’ll surprise you, it’ll provoke you and there’ll be vibes of many kinds. And when things get out of control and you lose your grip, there’s but one thing that keeps you going- your never ending faith in yourself. She understands this, and that’s probably how she perfectly manages to balance her life, spending lone time and as well keeping her ties with the world outside.

She and I are no different though. I see myself through her and that best compliments us, me within her as one complete soul. 

Confused Creature

Why did you have to me make me so fragile and delicate? I am afraid I’m breaking into pieces. You must have run out of resources when creating me or perhaps you thought I was capable.

Why did you have to make me look so pathetic? I think I’m just going to die being nothing less than a coward.

Why did it have to be me? Why am I always misunderstood? Did u perhaps forget something? Or you just did this on purpose? 

I don’t even have the guts to commit suicide or to harm myself in any way. I thought this life was a gift from you but you made me so flimsy and feeble I’m not able to cope. Your gift is way too much to accept, at least to a world like this.

Should I be happy? You created me this way and you made me so soft and sensitive. I don’t think I belong to this world. There is no softness here; there is no room for sensitive people like me. You probably made a mistake sending me here; it should have been another world.

Oh Lord! There is nothing you can do now. It cannot be undone; I cannot leave this place now, not until I put an end to it myself. But I am not strong. I don’t have the courage to end this and I don’t have the nerve to go against the law of creation. 

I will spread my arms and embrace everything. You can take me to the world I belong to or give me the strength to fight this. Being flawless is exceptional, I do not wish for it. You know I feel suffocated, strangled by my own flaws I feel tortured. 

What got into you when creating me? Did you really think I could manage? Or are you punishing me for some reason? I know I’m not good enough but that’s how you made me. I am your creation and I find you within me. Do you also share the same pain?

This is getting more difficult. I feel lost in the labyrinth of my own thoughts, and I feel weak.

Dear God, your creations are amazing. I am glad you made me, although with much of sensitivity but I still respect you. I wish you understand me. I wish you help me get out of this and show me the right path.

Being Humble

“My dad always reminds me to stay humble and honest in whatever I do. He believes in integrity and equality and insists I follow the same path.”

Dear dad, the world today is different. A lot of things changed and a lot of people as well. Today, nobody follows the path you always insist me to and staying quite doesn’t work here. In your days, truth was respected and rewarded; there was a healthy working environment.

In my case I am suffocating dear daddy. I am still following your words. I am humble and listen to whatever my superior says. I don’t talk back or disobey. I am trying to be a good person here but I think I am loosing myself. 

I do all my work with dedication; no dues, no pending work and yet I am never recognized or acknowledged. I don’t say anything, because I respect your words. People look down on me, embarrass me and never respect my feeling. I feel suffocated and trapped, yet I don’t spit a single word.

My emotions are strangling me. I have never spoken anything and kept it inside me I’m going to die. Dear daddy, how did you manage such a thing? How could you not fight back against wrong doings? Or perhaps you weren’t bullied. Perhaps you were respected more for being obedient and rewarded for your good work. 

It’s getting difficult. Holding in and not being able to speak out is killing me. I am loosing grip over my life, and living with a heart as weak as mine is worse. Should I keep going? 

No matter how I try, I cannot gather courage, to say ‘No’ or say ‘This is wrong’. I’m struggling to open up and fight for my rights. Dear Apa, I think I am failing. I’m failing as a good daughter, a good friend and as a good human. I think I’m just going to die with that.

I am fighting with my emotions; please give me the strength to endure everything; give me the courage to keep going and not give up on this beautiful life you gave me. I respect you still with all my heart.

Forever Your Daughter: With Love and Respect

Life Traits

Life seems like a whole bunch of mess. We never know what might happen in the coming days or how things might turn out. What we are going through now was never predicted yesterday nor can we say for exact what may come our way tomorrow.

It’s all surprising. Nothing goes as planned and with the amount of trust we lay upon each other, with the amount of expectations we have from each other, life can really get burdensome. Happiness is defined in many ways by many people and as much as we derive satisfaction from life, we derive equal happiness, irrespective of whether the intentions are good or bad. 

There are varied circumstances, varied natures and varied ways of dealing with things. Life is not always complicated but it’s the situation and the manner we react to that’s complicated. Our thinking and attitude define us and more so the type of vibes we are surrounded with.

There is this human tendency of reacting to things sooner than we could think of a better solution. We are often confronted with circumstances that are out of our control and make reckless decisions we repent on later. Things cannot always go our way and life cannot always be a bed of roses. 

Everyone has a tale to tell, a story to narrate. Nobody is perfect and it is this differences and flaws that make us human. There comes a point in life when we feel like everything is falling apart, we feel lowly, distressed and get caught up with the feeling of being scorned. Life may get tiresome to the point of wanting to give up on everything; it can be cunning and brutal. 

 

Life can teach us a lot of things, in fact a lot more of lessons than we might possibly anticipate. World has turned chaotic. Every day is a new beginning; an end to yesterday and a dream of tomorrow. We never know when might our end be and until when our existence might hold us. We don’t know how life will treat us, will it be any better or worse, but despite all the uncertainties and amid all the flaws we still yearn to live a longer life.

Our life is like a roller coaster ride, it has its ups and downs and despite all of it we still find our excitement in every stage and it is entirely on us whether to scream or enjoy the ride. Things need not be done to perfection; it can get messy sometimes and it is completely ok to accept life as it comes.

Mysterious Quest

Memories are fading away. The more I try to understand people, more is my identity fading away.

My existence as a complete human being is becoming vague day by day. I’ve started forgetting things and the very reason of my existence. I’ve become careless, insensible and forgetful. Everything around me, the air I breathe, the place I work, people I call friends, everything seem so new. 

My head spins, not because I am starving or sick, but just simply, the reason unknown. I feel giddy.

People come and go, laugh, talk and even share secrets. I remain numb, lost in a world so different. I feel my heart race fast; I feel the blood flow through my veins, the warmth. Nothing exists in this world of mine. There’s just me, nobody to love or hate, nobody that can harm or hurt me. 

Emotions are disappearing. I don’t feel happy or sad or pained. There’s nothing that please me, nothing that makes me want to lead a normal life. There can never be anything which could bring me back from this solitude.

I feel surrounded by aliens. Nobody I can talk to, nobody to hear me out.

Is it me or is it the people around? Is it just my lame thought or the universal rule of life? Everything is so enigmatic, so rare and so dense for anyone to ever unravel.

Nothing ever matters or bothers me. There’s a world so different and so unique from this. There’s a world that takes in people like me, people neither sane nor unsound. There’s this place I’d want to live, so far and so out of the world. 

I am different? No I am not! 

I am a wanderer in quest of the so-called happiness, or should I say “Life” everyone is seeking for. I am just an ordinary being, too ordinary for people to even remember. 

My memories are fading away, good, bad or the worse. I feel dizzy, numb and so inhuman like. I am losing my identity and everything that defines me (my existence). There’s nothing I can do to recover what is lost, and there is perhaps nothing I can do to save what is left of me, some memories worth saving for.

Is it the doom of my being or yet another beginning? My head hurts to even think of anything else, to unfold this mysterious quest of life.