So I pen this down,
The emotions that's been pricking my heart,
The feelings that's been haunting me through the night,
The silence I've been carrying inside.
I pen down everything that's made my heart so heavy I could barely breathe.
I pen down on the soaked up pillows and swollen eyes,
On the heart that cried itself to sleep every night,
On the lonely nights I've spent wishing you were near,
While you were out of my sight somewhere very far...
- Gayleg Dema
Dear Apa and Ama,
I realized I have not
thanked you enough for everything you did for the sake of my happiness and
securing my future. I have not thanked you enough for making me a strong and
independent lady that I am today.
Often, we forget that our
parents are aging with time and so is their emotions. We forget their
sacrifices and hardships and how they had to put up with our childish tantrums.
Maybe I was too young back then to understand and maybe I am too old now to
realize this, but I just want to say ‘Thank you’ for everything.
Kids grow up and settle
down. They are too busy raising their own, building their own family, and
amidst all these, they forget about their aging parents. Come to think of it,
how could they? Now that we are capable, it is time for us to be at their service,
fulfill their needs and understand that they need us more now than anything, of
course they would not express it aloud but we need to understand. It is our
moral responsibility.
Apa and Ama, if I give you
something out of love, do not feel guilty or bad, I am no stranger. It is my
way of expressing my love to you. It is my responsibility to take care of you and
fulfill your needs. You gave me good education, guided me through my rough
times and gave me everything I asked for, I shall forever be indebted to you.
Nothing in the world will be enough to repay your love and kindness. I cannot
run away from my responsibility in the name of living a separate life or raising
my own family. For me you will always be a priority just as I was yours.
Sometimes I may not be in
my right mind; I may make mistakes, but please forgive me. No matter how lost I
may be, I will eventually find my way back to you. I know, you know this, so
please keep the same faith in me, I will make you proud of me one day.
With love
Your Daughter
Life isn’t a bed of roses after all. Although I had known this for a very long time, deep inside I had expected my share of happiness. All of my fantasies, all of my dreams and all the plans I had of a beautiful future with people precious to me shattered when I realized life isn’t always about happy and cheerful times. Relationships are very delicate, I realized. There are ups and downs, mostly downs I presume.
Sometimes I wish I could
go back to living my life carefree. I miss those days when I did not have to
care about who loved me or missed me. I did not have to worry about being
possessive of someone else or fight over small things. Those late-night calls
and messages, I wish I did not have to wait for. Life back then was memorable;
a very peaceful and fun filled life.
Now when I look at
myself, I feel I have lost a part of me that defined me so well. I have ceased
to become an independent and bold lady that I was a few years back. I cannot
drive a car confidently, I cannot drink (for a bit of enjoyment), I have gained
weight and most importantly, I have become one boring lady who knows nothing
about life and fun. I cannot blame anyone for this. I chose this for myself.
When I was single, I
would envy married couples. I would always wonder what would it be like to be
in love and spend the rest of your life with that one person you love. Spending
time together, watching movies, going on a trip and a romantic dinner date,
every thought of it would excite me. Well, I had fantasized a lot taking
inspiration from movies. But! Life isn’t a movie and there isn’t always a happy
moment.
I belief that for every
relation to succeed and last, one need to learn to compromise and make
sacrifices. I say this through my personal experience and trust me it isn’t at
all an easy journey. I set out to venture this journey with lots of hope and
excitement inside me, but gradually I realized it isn’t an easy one. If you let
your ego and stubbornness take its toll, “BOOM” your relationship just ends
there and maybe you might have made the right choice, but sometimes ending
everything without a second thought and not a single effort from your end to
make things right can be a very heavy burden to the heart for the rest of your
life.
For now, I am going with
the flow. I am accepting everything that is coming my way. Life is hard, but I
cannot be selfish to be thinking only about my happiness. When you marry, you don’t
just marry a person, you marry everything that is a part of his/her life. You got
to respect everything and everyone. You got to accept it.
Amidst everything, I am
trying to revive myself. I am trying to bring back that energetic and fun-loving
lady I was in the past but not compromising my responsibilities as a daughter, as a wife and as a daughter-in-law. And the very first step I made is by writing this in my
blog after ages.
She closed her eyes,
Took a stroll to the days that made her happy, she smiled!
Saddened by the days she lost what was precious to her heart..
She closed her eyes yet again,
No back, no forth,
She closed her eyes tight,
For a better vision, for a better story,
She closed her eyes...
She did not want to be extraordinary,
Or an exception..
She did not wish for a miracle,
Or be treated like a princess..
She just wanted to be understood,
And cared for,
Nothing more than a mere human being..
